If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
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Sticker placement is key.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Harsh but fair
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Rather alarming headline…
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”