I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
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[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999