Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
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*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
At least try to make it slightly believable
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
mentally somewhere in italy
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”