[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
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9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
thanksgiving in nutshell
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.