hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
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This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?