They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.