[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
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God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?