I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
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I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?