her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
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One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
This makes total sense…
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.