[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
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VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.