Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
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The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Duck typos.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
😂😂😂
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.