You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
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911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so