Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
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For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Liquor Store Parking
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go