4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
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There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
“That’s what” – She
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”