Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
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Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?