Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.