Traveler’s camo
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Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Me too
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?