A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
You Might Also Like
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Customize Your Wedding.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.