My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
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April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.