*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
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Wednesday
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I can’t be the only one 😂
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down