friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
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I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Ken is short for chicken
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.