when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
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Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all