Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
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How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
want me to check your oil?
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”