[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Happy Febuary everyone!
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?