Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
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why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
This fish is cracking me up
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
🙋♀️
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Friday night party time 🥳
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.