Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
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Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Meanwhile in Canada…
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
My teenage children choosing violence
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Expect the unexporcupine.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg