Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
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Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.