With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
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[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague