If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
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This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
That’s not how days work.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Friday
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.