I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
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when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Follow me for more fitness tips.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.