The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
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I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake