Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
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You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.