For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
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Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.