A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
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Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Money is the root of all wealth
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office