When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
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The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Made something I’m not proud of
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave