watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
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opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!