what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
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my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO