OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
You Might Also Like
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.