I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I feel seen.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child