[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
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Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid