Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
You Might Also Like
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
knights of the ikea table
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Fluff me with a fork baby
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would