Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
You Might Also Like
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.