Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
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Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot