It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
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creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Just a friendly reminder!
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST