me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
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Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I just ran a .003048K
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike