A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
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haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Realize this:
Wait a second…
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Hmm, not sure about this change
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.