HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
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If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe itâs because someone is strangling my bicep
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: itâs so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. Itâs *eucalyptus*
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! đš
Weâve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking âI could milk thatâ
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I gotta ask, what part of âI donât eat sugarâ donât I understand
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling âI swear to god I am in court right now!â And the judge said, âyes, you are.â
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra