Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
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Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”