God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
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Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”