I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
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If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation